Something On My Mind

 Hey all you cool cats and kittens. (Yeah I’m bringing that back, Carol was on to something).

So In my mind, I’ve been planning this post for awhile but I couldn’t find the words and I’m pretty sure I will still mess up the words on the point I’m trying to get across.

So I will back up a little bit and explain why I’m writing this one. 

Back in February of 2022, I was in a bad spot. I was to the point that I was drinking so much just to numb the pain. I was living in a toxic place (which I was very much to blame on why it was toxic. I did it to myself. Since I’m being honest).. It got so bad, I knew I needed help. So I planned it out, I found someone I trusted to watch my dog, then I was going to go with a trusted friend, they were going to take me to a mental hospital, to hopefully check myself in, to get the help I needed. I get to the hospital, long story short on that part, since I wasn’t suicidal, they couldn’t help me. Okay fine. I will figure it out. So said friend that had taken me to the hospital would take me back to the place I was living, just to figure out the next step. We get to the house, my roommate had changed the combo on one of those fancy door code things. We had knocked on the window trying to wake my roommate up, just trying to get back into the house. I mean I could see my roommate sleeping on the couch.. She would not wake up.. I had officially been kicked out. I had no where else to go. 

I found a motel to stay at. Said motel was sketchy as fuck... Like I heard the other day, someone had been shot and killed there. So when I say I was in a bad place mentally, that is an understatement 100%. I saw absolutely no light. I barely had anything on me. The bare minimum.I didn’t have any of my work stuff, didn’t have any food, nothing. 

Said trusted friend and their family brought me clothes the next day, and took me to church. They knew I was in a very vulnerable place. The message the pastor talked about, how Beethoven had lost his hearing, and instead of saying fuck everything. He turned that into his best piece yet. I took that as “Yeah life absolutely sucks right now, but the best is yet to come”.. I struggled a lot the next couple of days, I didnt think I had a job, I felt lost... But those trusted friends stayed close to me and wouldn’t let me go deeper into that dark hole. It was one man, who I may add, does this a lot for families but I’ve known him for years. He knew exactly what I needed, then his daughter gave me her bible which I still read. With out them, I dont know where I’d be. I came up with a plan, and to fast forward this, in 3 weeks I had moved into an apartment. I had one other friend, she was amazing. If we worked together she would give me rides to and from work if she could. Her positive “No Bullshit” gave me the motivation to stop throwing a pity party and get my gas in gear. 

So during one of the lowest points I’ve been through, I had 3 people there. I should mention 3 people that lived in the same area as me. 3 people who let me hit rock bottom but they made sure I wasn’t alone during it. I had to figure this out myself, but it was a situation where I couldn’t be alone...

Which brings me to my point. You will go through hell. You will realize the “friends” you thought you had, weren’t actually friends. It was either a friendship that was convenient for them, but when you started having issues, you were invalid. This is going to happen when you go through something hard. 

When I came out on the other side of this, I had a “friend” text me MONTHS later saying “yeah, I wanted to be there for you but I figured I would just give you space.”... I should’ve said “BITCH PLEASE”.... In that moment I truly realized who a friend was and who wasn’t a friend. Which I am okay with.. 

A few other friends reached out, we talked it through and it made 100% on why they couldn’t be there, and it made our friendships stronger. 

My point is, if someone wanted to be in your life, they would be.. IT IS OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE.... Most of the time, those people aren’t deserving of the glow up your about to have anyway. Take people as they are when they show you their true colors. That shit wont ever change.. The people that stick around at your worst, HOLD THEM CLOSE AS SHIT...

Say it with me for 2023...

WE HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR TOXIC PEOPLE TO WALK OUT OF OUR LIVES.... 

THEY DONT DESERVE US!!