Deep Dive Into My Past

 I guess if I’m going to give you all the best help, lets go all the way back.

Growing up, I don’t want to say I had the worst childhood. I had a very loving mother, my grandma was a present person in my life, and even down the road I had a fantastic step dad. But what really messed me up was the absence of my bio dad or temporary presence he wanted to have.

The thing with my bio dad was I don’t really remember a time where he ever gave me 100% of his time or affection. I don’t know about you, but as a kid, I definitely noticed. I always wondered why I wasn’t good enough, why he couldn’t give me any attention. It takes two to produce a baby, how was it my mom could be present yet my bio dad was MIA 99% of my life. Which it only got worst as I got older. I started to notice more things, began to pay attention more. I noticed all the times he said he would be picking me up and never showed up or every holiday that would come and go with no phone call. Things like that can cause some major issues. 

I wish I could pin point the exact time I started having mental health issues, but the earliest I could remember would probably be 7th/8th grade time frame. That was when I really started to act out and have issues. In 7th grade I had major sticky fingers and stole a lot of things. Shoes, iPods, candy etc. That ended me up in JDC or I called it kiddie jail. I went to a few classes but after that stint, I quit getting caught.

The first time I self harmed, I did it on my thigh and carved FAT into my leg. I had the worst body imagines but I think almost everyone does in this day and age. Then it just got worst and worst as I got into my high school career. 15 years later and I still have some of those scars. 

I believe it was my freshman year where the mental illness really took off for me. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was put on some medication and absolutely hated it. I became reckless, irritated and just an unhappy person overall. I also had this big issue where I had a short temper and would get attached to people so fast. I think I just really liked the attention. 

I had my first panic attack my junior year and I had zero idea what had happened. I had called my mom freaking out, completely clueless on what was going on. I ended up being put on this quick acting medication. My junior year was also when the suicidal thoughts came full force. I had cuts going up and down my arms, wasn’t sleeping, had even come up with a plan on how I was going to do it. That I wont get into detail about. Thoughts like that shouldn’t be in someone’s head. That was when my mom decided it was time to get some serious help. She took me to the ER and tried to get me admitted. Back then, I thought I could do it alone, so I talked her out of sending me to the mental ward. Looking back on it now, I wish I had allowed myself to get the help I needed. 

The years really turned into a blur, I thought I was okay and just faked my way through it. Blaming everyone but myself for the actions I had done. Until I moved out at 18 and then I was forced to take full responsibility for what I had done.

When I moved out, I had started drinking heavily. Like black out drunk most nights. My lowest point was when I drank a mass amount of UV blue, decided to drive, blacked out, parked my car somewhere and passed out on the side of the road in a South Dakota winter. What made me realize I needed to change my ways was when my mom played me a voicemail that I left he that night. It was heart breaking to hear, especially knowing I had done that to my mom. 

I eased up on drinking a little after that. Not a lot but a little. It was like that until I turned 26, if I’m being honest. I hid my pain behind the alcohol and I just didn’t want to face it. Until I got pregnant. Which brings us to the present. 

I know I didn’t go into great detail about what I’ve gone through, but at that point I might as well write a book. We will just stick with a blog and I will fill in what I can remember. 

But getting pregnant saved my life. I was going down a very slippery slop before. Like in the past 12 months, I parked my car in a no tow zone, just to go party.. Just so to get it towed and I couldn’t afford to get it out. Leaving me without a car. Instead of caring, I just ubered everywhere. I was drinking so much at work, I was showing up to work drunk. It was just bad.

So I got pregnant, realized it was time to get my shit together. Which made me face all my issues and realize how screwed the system is when it come to gettin help for mental health. So that’s where we are now. Facing my issues head on, not being able to hide behind alcohol anymore and ready to make a change with myself and to help others.

Stay tuned for my next blog, I will be posting links to my social media accounts where you can find resources and tips to living a happier, healthier lifestyle. Knowing you are not alone at all.